I'm mad at God

Do you ever wonder what the crap God is thinking? I sure do! Especially when we are talking about my romantic life. Lord have mercy! Love is an emotional roller coaster... or battlefield. Whatever.

See, I am a big lover. A big lover. It is my superpower. However, sometimes this "big love" can get me into trouble, because I love so hard that I see past things that maybe I should be looking closer at.

I don't really pray like I should, but let me tell you, I am a pray warrior when it comes to romantic relationships. Much of my anxiety lies in these relationships and if my intuition starts to tingle with something off, I pray that God will break it apart sooner rather than later, so I can get on with the healing process (if it is not right/meant to be of course). When you are a big lover it takes you a long time to heal. A. Long. Effing. Time. So, I want to get on with the healing process if it isn't right. Ya feel me? Weirdly enough, this is where my prayers get answered the quickest. It's rude but I am thankful in the end.

Let's go back a bit. My first love was this amazing guy we will call "Rice". We were each others first loves and definitely acted like it. The cheese was real, you guys. So real. Rice was romantic and sweet and weird and wonderful. That picture to the right is one he took of me looking at him. So much love there, wow. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we made many great memories. Let's just say that Jack Johnson immediately takes me back to making out in cars. LOL. When we broke up I was devastated, but I knew deep down we were not meant for each other. I mean, he didn't believe in God, and that is one of my non-negotiables. God was showing me that it wasn't right. As hard as it was, I could see it. God's plan. I could make sense of it. (My intuition was right about him though because he is still one of my closest friends.)

My next real love came 12 years later. Yes, I dated, but I am talking about real love. The kind that makes you giddy and dreamy. We will call this love, "EP". Duuuuude, EP got me good. We met online and I am pretty sure we were a 10% match, ha! He convinced me to go on a date anyway and I was smitten. EP was handsome and charming and I was drawn in immediately. My intuition was on fire and there were red flags but I couldn't actual pinpoint what they were. Until I was already head over heels of course. The. Worst. Long story short, he was an alcoholic. I remember praying over and over to God to help him get sober, even if that meant we couldn't be together anymore. (God answered my prayers almost immediately. Rude.) Eventually he did get sober, but wanted to break up, move home to be near his family, focus on his sobriety, and live a lighter life. Can't be mad at that, but I was. Duh. I got depressed and had to go back on meds to get me through it all. (Those who have loved an alcoholic might understand this a bit.) Though I loved EP with my whole heart, he was not right for me. I mean, I was anxious every single day of our relationship. I knew it and so did God. So God took care of it for me, since he knew I could not.

After the two years it took me to get over EP, I got talked into online dating again (I'm talking September). I thought I would go for it and use it as a way to practice walking away from red flags and asking for what I wanted in relationships.

Surprisingly, I met an amazing man on this dating website. You guys. Like, amazing. Literally everything I have been praying for. We will call this man "The Korean". The Korean was handsome, kind, observant, smart, a Christian, had similar life goals/dreams, was interested in my life, held my hand, was an open communicator, wanted to take pics with me, and was actually looking for love. I thought I was in a magical dream. He was not just someone I was smitten with. He was different than the others; he was actually good for me. The Korean made me feel amazing and even talked about future plans with me. There were no red flags and I thanked God for bringing him to me. Finally! Someone who fit! My intuition was on fire in a good way and I kept thinking, man, this could be something so freaking special.

Then out of the blue (to me at least)... he decided he just wanted to be friends. Friends. Of course this came after an amazing date and hand holding in public. In public! Looord have mercy, don't guys understand what that means?!

Anyway, I was devastated. Truly. I mean, I still am. I feel cheated. It's not that I had fallen in love already, it's that I could feel the magic that was there. I didn't understand why someone would walk away from the magic.

This is why I'm mad at God.

Is this supposed to be a joke? I get that God knows all things, has our best interest at heart, and has a plan for us. I'm not an idiot. But, I am human, and I don't get his decisions sometimes. I'm mad that God would send me someone so wonderful and not let me have him. Like. what the crap?! Is God a tease or what?

Who knows what will happen in the future, because life is crazy and weird and unpredictable. Maybe this man will come back to me at some point. But, I know what you guys are gonna say. "God has a plan." "This guy is just not your person." "It was not that long...how can you like him that much?"

BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am still mad and extremely sad. Let me be sad.

In the end, no one can really understand God. Goodness, wouldn't it be nice if we could, though? I know my anxiety would be way less if I could. My grandpa always told me that my anxiety was from not trusting God. That God was in control and I should let him take care of my life. Boy, was he right. I do try and work on that daily, but sometimes it still takes over. Anxiety is rough you guys. I am trying to move forward, even it is with many questions and complaints.

All I can think to tell myself now is: If not this, Lord, something better.

An email from my first love, Rice.

If not this, Lord, something better.

On one final note...I find it hilarious how God speaks to me. This was my devotional for today.